Trauma makes it difficult to show up authentically. How can something from such a long time ago get in my way today? What does it mean to “get between Me and Me?” Well, from an insider’s perspective, if you were ever a fan of “The Charmed Ones” on TV in the 90’s…Pru’s superpower was astro-projection. It’s the best way I can describe my ability to dissociate or separate from myself. I had to do it a lot in my childhood to be “safe”. As a kid, the things that got between “Me and Me” were things like pleasing others, self neglect, self abuse, perfectionism, working from a young age, and addiction. I learned how to dissociate because then the fear wasn’t disabling.
As an adult, I continue to use the same coping skills because for a scary part of my life they really worked! However, now as an adult, they don’t let me feel anything. I mean, I “thought” I could just numb or dissociate from the scary or uncomfortable feelings, but, turns out when we numb one (feeling) we numb all! Adult life without dissociation is paralyzing because I never learned how to keep myself safe.
Now, I have a frame of reference for what gets between Me and Me as an adult in recovery. It usually happens when I’m working too much, self sacrificing, or suffering from a current trauma that reignites my need to “project somewhere else”. I imagine my inner child left in a corner of a room and my physical body is down stairs. In a meditation, I take the steps back to her, feel embodied, and reconnect to what I need and how I feel. The outcome of the awareness of what gets between Me and Me, is I use far less medicators and numbing agents to stay dissociated, thus, I am connected with myself and I like to pretend I have Phoebe’s super power (premonition) which is in line with my intuition!