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The Gift Of December

By Esha Estar

December is known as the month of bright lights, holiday decorations, holiday parties, gifts, family time, good foods, cheer, jingles, but it’s also known as the month of reflection. An opportunity to go in and see how life has transpired, how we showed up in our lives, to the world, how our bodies held up, and so much more.

For me, this has been a transformative year. A year of deep healing, much of which has happened on my three-month sabbatical in Panama. One week left to go. What I’ve come to realize is how resilient I am. My body, mind, and spirit, resilient. I’ve reclaimed something I haven’t felt in a very long time since my husband died suddenly five years ago and maybe even before that. That thing is joy and a deep state of contentment with life. I am falling in love with myself and life almost as if for the very first time. It is a rebirthing. It doesn’t matter that the world seems to be collapsing right before my eyes, within my own borders I am at peace with a level of joy I haven’t felt in years. This sabbatical has offered me space. Space to see all of me, accept all of me, love all of me, and take responsibility for all of me. I’ve grown into wise, mature adulthood and out of any kind of victimhood that life is doing something to me. There have been many traumas in my life beginning in childhood, from sexual abuse, spanking, violence in the home, death of a father at ten, a miscarriage at sixteen, the loss of my identity, low self-esteem, the loss of a mother, and the sudden loss of a husband. The list is long, and I am grateful for each experience. While this might be shocking to some to hear this, I say this coming from a place of doing some pretty deep dives over the years into my own healing. Braving the dark world of shadows to offer each encounter love. My healing journey is my spiritual journey, they are one and the same. Healing from a place of seeing the sacredness of each experience, each feeling, each emotion has allowed me to be very human and to also touch the hem of my true essence that is still bathed in the innocence of love, a place where trauma can never touch. This is the place where my healing journey has taken me, access to this inner dimension of wisdom, truth, and full living despite any past narrative.

In the end, we are constantly choosing. Life is all about choices and we are faced with choices daily. I’ve decided to keep choosing me in every scenario. By choosing me, I am also choosing peace, harmony, love, and joy because I am choosing to remain faithful to myself. This practice of being faithful to myself can then be felt when I show up to work, with my children, friends, in my community. The hardest choice we will make is choosing to be faithful to ourselves when the whole world is dictating for you to be faithful to technology, distractions, and yes even our traumas. The world consistently shows only the traumas taking place in the world and we ingest that on top of our own traumas leading to more anxiety, depression, and unhappiness. We must choose. The world or the movement into inner peace? There will never be a shortage of world traumas, chaos, and dysfunction, this is how we are all growing and learning. By first working on bringing the internal field into greater harmony we can then choose to show up to the world to offer our gifts to help. But trauma cannot heal trauma, we simply go in circles creating more trauma. Only love can heal trauma and we are in desperate need for more love. Let’s start with ourselves.

So, as you come into this December month, take some time for yourself. Yes, you deserve this time for you. Sit, reflect, and see. See who you became this year, how you showed up, see with the inner eyes from a place of nonjudgment and compassion. We are all human beings, and the goal isn’t perfection but honesty. Here are a few questions to reflect on:

  1. What has been the biggest revelation you’ve had about yourself this year?
  2. What did you struggle with and what wisdom came out of that struggle?
  3. Who or what was your biggest teacher?
  4. What relationship did you have with your body?
  5. What relationship did you have with others not like you?
  6. How did you treat yourself this year?
  7. What experience showed you love and what did love teach you?
  8. What experience brought you grief and what did you learn from grief?
  9. What emotions, feelings did you sit the with the most?
  10. What word would you choose to name your 2022?
  11. What brought you the greatest joy?

Each experience we’re having is our teacher. We’re being taught in the school of life how to forgive, love, and move deeper into being. As we move deeper into being our awareness opens up and flourish and our consciousness blossoms. My greatest wish, hope for all of us is to simply appreciate being here, to feel the moments of aliveness, to be in touch with our hearts. To feel. It takes courage to feel and become mindful and wise in this human life. May the ultimate gift you receive this holiday season be the freedom or discernment of whatever holds you back from living this very short life fully. 

With Love, Blessings, and Well-being

-Esha Estar

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