After a recent event that brought up all the sights, sounds, smells, tastes, and feels of my childhood sexual abuse, I’ve been fighting for my body back. I’ve done so many types of therapies, seen so many therapists, participated in so many alternative healing techniques and I’ve made so much progress. I’ve done “bottom up and top down”. I am a member of a 12-step recovery program. I am a survivor.
The medical procedure (“the event”) was invasive, terrifying, retraumatizing, and infuriating. I’ve done so much work to be set back by a medical procedure. I was angry because the provider never explained the steps of the procedure. I was angry and for a split second, mad at myself because ALL of the tools I was using to try to make it through the procedure weren’t working. I screamed, “STOP!” when I just couldn’t take it anymore. The provider responds with, “what’s the matter, what’s going on?” in a frustrated and confused tone. I stuttered hesitantly due to the fear in response, “I’m a survivor and this is triggering me!!!!!!” The provider responded, “what didn’t you tell me?!” And I said….”DO NOT shame me!”
I stopped it! I protected myself! I got out of there! I contacted my safe people and did what my recovery program has shown me over and over again to be the relief…connection! My safe people didn’t try to save me, rescue me, or fix me. They listened, created space for me to process, and offered love. I realized, yes, I can be triggered and fall backwards, but I can also walk forward just as easily.