Couples Can't Heal in Talk Therapy

Have you ever wondered why you keep having the same argument over and over again with your partner? Did you notice yet that it’s never REALLY about the dishes, the laundry, or who’s picking up the kids? And if it were (about the laundry or dishes), would the feelings in your body be so intense that one struggles to get words out?  Or, if it were about kids or laundry, would logic not easily create a solution?

Couples healing can’t be cognitive work or “talk therapy”. We receive so many clients that have participated in therapy with providers that offer solution focused work. This article has nothing to do with judging or minimizing “talk therapy”. This blog is addressing the actual root problem rather than what is being verbalized. All therapy modalities are effective with the effective therapist, the right issue and the right population.  I want to focus on the goal of Couples Work which is NOT about who will do the laundry. It IS about what part of you is wounded from your backstory that you are struggling to heal, because it seems to be affecting your current relationships.

Think about the last conflict you had with your partner. Do you remember what initiated it? Write that down somewhere - just one word. “Laundry”. “Kids”. “Parenting”. “Money”. Now think of where your body took you. What happened in your body. Heart racing? Talking turned to yelling? Conversation turned to threatening? Frustration turned to rage or anger? Write those down that applied. Now, if you’re willing…read your initial one word topic that created the conflict and compare it to your body reaction. Do they fit together? 

For example: 
Laundry. 
Rage, heart racing, threatening, cursing, abandonment. 

What do you notice about the topic and the body responses? In most cases, they don’t fit together. They don’t match in intensity. That’s because the topic that is being verbalized is typically NOT the actual root or problem. What would happen in your relationship if you could address the root rather than what triggers it? My guess is one might feel empowered, more embodied, intentional, or connected. Using the wrong modality to address an issue is like cutting a weed above the ground with a pair of scissors. What will happen? It will grow back because the root is still present. 

Addressing the root of the conflict in coupleship requires healing, patience, and compassion. The connection needed in a coupleship to heal requires each individual to be compassionately connected to self as that is the roadmap to connecting to each other. Old wounds from our back story if not repaired, healed, addressed will continue to resurface like the weed cut by scissors. However, past wounds that are addressed and healed are like a weed that is pulled up by its root. 

If you find yourself in this type of relationship, it’s really easy to focus on the other person and all that’s wrong with them. It’s really vulnerable to look at ownership on both sides. What both individuals DESERVE is to heal the old wounds so the patterns of behaviors no longer create disconnection, heartbreak, out of character behaviors, and shame spiraling. Love and belonging are your rights as a human that you are born with. No one has to earn that. Gift this to yourself this Valentine’s Day and HEAL YOU 2024!  We are happy to support your process. Reach out today if you're ready to start your journey.