Did you know Grief has a “shape”? It does! It’s a circle.
Many healers and therapists will refer to grief as a process not just an emotion or feeling. To honor September as Suicide Awareness Month, we wanted to share more about this topic. The hope is you are never touched by this pain. The reality is more than 50,000 people died in 2023 by suicide (AFSP). Suicide is not an event that only affects one person. Suicide is the desire of one person to end pain that unintentionally inflicts pain on many.
In my experience, I really wish grief was a feeling that I could fix and “make it go away”. Or even better, after time, (a specified amount of time) the body just releases or lets it go-as if to forget. I know many of you reading this understand what I mean by that statement. Grief is referred to as a process because it’s not something to be “fixed” and it doesn’t “go away”. In the context of suicide, Grief is the love that never ends for a person who is no longer physically here. How long do I feel that grief? As long as I love that person. The intensity and amount of grief is equal to the amount of love I have/had for that person.
So what does a circle have to do with grief? There are certain times of the year my grief hits the surface, reminds me of my loss, and my body experiences the loss again. Father’s Day, his birthday, holidays like Thanksgiving, Christmas, my birthday, my boys’ birthday, and finally the anniversary of his loss. Those dates come and go every year circling and sometimes it’s easier than others but the grief doesn’t “stop”. Grief as a circle isn’t only about dates but also senses, smell, taste, hear, touch, and see. When I’m in a store and I smell his cologne, my body goes back to that day, or to a memory with him. At times, I can be in a restaurant and his favorite meal is listed which happens to also be one of mine so I indulge (taste). Sam Cooke is playing on the radio and I can see him dancing with my mom in my mindseye as a little girl (hear). Driving through the back roads passing farms with cows, horses, and donkeys realizing how much I miss the time we spent together on the farm (sight). Planting my herb garden feeling the cold dirt fall between my fingers (touch). I miss planting the garden every year with him as a little girl. The way my body experiences the world, through my senses takes me back to my grief.
Today, I still grieve for him and find myself no longer stuck in blame or fault but the awareness of all the wonderful things about my life that he’s missing. That’s different from my original grief which was centered around my loss. My grief has come full circle and I recognize the need to remember him on these anniversaries or holidays because I want to keep his love alive.
Tool: Connection & Communication – Dial 988 for the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline
Research proves that when the plan or desire of suicide is spoken, it reduces the risk of acting. It is really scary to hold space, create space, or just listen to something as scary as suicidal ideation or a plan. I invite you into your role with your loved one, just to love them while inviting in providers or fellow travelers into the role of supporting them on their journey.
RAIN, is a helpful tool when holding space for heavy or painful emotions and thoughts.
RECOGNIZE what is happening.
ALLOW the experience to be there, just as it is.
INVESTIGATE with interest and care.
NURTURE with self-compassion/compassion.
And always remember we are not meant to do this alone. Reach out for support.
